Who knew a goose could squawk so loud? No golfer likes the first tee shot, so, with a typical case of the shakes, I teed up my ball at a friend’s country club. Uttering the usual prayer of, "Please, just let me keep it in the fairway," I swung, and miraculously, the ball sailed out in a perfect arc right down the middle. My Titleist NXT Tour 3 landed squarely on the back of a Canadian goose.

Every golfer on the front nine stopped to listen to that honker and I tried to disappear under the golf cart. That guy should have won an Oscar for his dramatic limp toward the shrubbery.

Shakes, yips, sweat, prayers and jokes are as much a part of the beautiful game as sand traps, two-irons, pars and birdies. I shared my unusual golf experience with some local golfers who agreed to share theirs in return, as well as a few clean jokes. Note: the term clean joke in golf is not an oxymoron; it’s just as rare as a hole in one.

Terror Alert!

Brookfield’s tall power hitter Maggie Leef has won her share of important games like the Wisconsin Women’s State Golf Match Play Championship in 2000 and the Brown Deer Women’s Amateur Tournament in 2005.

She tells the story about a friend who just returned from a golf school on Kiawah Island, S.C. The friend’s caddy had been on the bag the previous day for none other than Tom Ridge, former secretary of Homeland Security. The course has a lot of swampy terrain and Ridge hit one way off path. He turned to the caddy and asked, "Am I in trouble?’ To which the tattling caddy replied, "Terror alert orange, sir."

Hole in One

Gene Haas is a WSGA Hall of Fame member who plays out of Brookfield’s Westmoor Country Club. He is also an author of two golf books and officiates at tournaments as well as plays.

At an amateur event in Lake Geneva, along with his wife who was scoring the event, Haas tells an amazing "Hole in Purse" story; the odds of this happening are astronomical. "We were along the first fairway when we heard ‘Fore’ yelled twice, very loudly. I said to Diane, ‘We better duck.’ She happened to have her purse on the seat between us and that ball came through the front of the cart on the fly and landed in her open purse.

"The distraught golfer approached asking if we’d seen his ball. I pointed to her purse and he asked for a ruling. He took my directives and hit it to the green. What made this even more memorable was that the young Steve Stricker and his brother were watching the whole thing."

Pouring Out Frustration

Nothing beats bantering about old friends who can’t defend themselves. Waukesha’s Chuck Garbedian, the voice of "Garbedian on Golf" (WSSP 1250 AM Sat. 8-10 a.m.) is only too happy to dish about his favorite foursome of media stars: Mike Gousha, Don Parcher and Hank Stoddard.

These two anecdotes are about the infamously tough 4th hole at Brown Deer. "We liked playing early before the ladies 18 hole league. Normally, we have some side bets going. I eagled the hole for a 3. (Author’s note: I had no choice but to believe Garbedian.) Parcher gets an 11. That gives us a 14. ‘Goush’ gets a 7 and Hank gets an 8 giving them a 15. Parcher and I win the hole and Parcher starts ribbing them. Finally, Hank has had it; he grabs Don’s thermos of hot coffee and pours the entire contents into Don’s golf bag.

"Another time on the same hole, Hank hit his approach shot into the right bunker. He was in there swearing up a storm. By now, the ladies league was coming up on #3 which parallels #4. One of the ladies called over and said ‘Stop that swearing!’ Then she said, ‘Don’t I recognize you?’ Hank called back, ‘Yes, ma’am you do; I’m Earl Gillespie.’"

Golfers can keep this sort of banter going all day long. We think it is therapeutic. So beware when you hit the links this season, who knows what you’re up against!