Men's room at Hotel Metro.

Looking for the best men’s room in town? Writer Martin Hintz shares the inside scoop on the city’s most unique "watering holes." Whether one calls it a water closet, latrine, the jakes, the biff, pissoir, a donnicker, lavatory, can, john, privy or simply "bathroom," when ya gotta go, ya gotta go.

And Milwaukee’s lav situation ranges from the sublime to "don’t dare go in there."

There are plenty of standouts, however, when the need arises.

Starting far down the alphabet with "Z" for Zen, Allium (2101 N. Prospect Ave.) is the place to be after downing a double draught. With the soothing paint scheme, lighted candles and coziness, all this room needs is a sofa. Speaking of colorful, gloriously azure walls and the fanciest waterfall washbasin are tucked away at Fajitas Grill (1673 N. Farwell Ave.).

Bringing inside a glacial touch, the dump of ice in the urinal drain at Elsa’s on the Park (833 N. Jefferson St.) provides just the right cooling-down after a Daisy Mae burger. Facing up to one’s visage during happy hour can also be an interesting experience. At Hotel Metro (411 E. Mason St.), the men’s room mirrors above the porcelain bring oneself up-close-and-personal. Trendy wash basins here, as well.

Yes, ladies, there is snazzy artwork in men’s hideaways. But the art is generally guy-oriented, as displayed in Butch’s Casino Steak House (555 N. James Lovell St.). The faded, old-timey poster collection of buxom babes draped over racing cycles and pro-stock dragsters is eye popping. Just say "abbondanza!" for glam black and white photos of Italian starlets and toddlers’ bottoms at Buca di Beppo (1233 N. Van Buren St.). Simply follow Sinatra’s crooning through the "goomba" portal. However, Three Lions Pub’s (4515 N. Oakland Ave., Shorewood) futball pix outside the wash-up are generally more beef-cake than the aforementioned cupcake. And speaking of halls, one of the longest runs in town eventually leads to the Oriental Theatre’s (2230 N. Farwell Ave.) men’s room. Great vintage floor tile, though.

The city’s largest unisex bathroom without artwork has to be that in Cafe Perrin (5901 W. Vliet St.). Yet a vase with tiny red blossoms on the sink splash back mellows the expanse.

When one has a real babe(y) out for the eve, the diaper-changing table at Shorewood’s North Star American Bistro (4518 N. Oakland Ave.) is a godsend. On that spiritual note, the holiest multiholers are located in the St. John Cathedral (812 N. Jackson St.) vestibule.

For industrial strength men’s rooms, try out the head at the Habitat for Humanity ReStore facility (3015 N. 114th St., Wauwatosa). Be aware there’s nothing plush here, but the functionally rehabbed fixtures in the bathroom off the front entrance provide a grand complement to what must be the tallest and shiniest fake tree north of the Amazon. INdustri (524 S. 2nd St.), as the name implies, also has a banjoja to make a plumber’s helper proud. Milwaukee’s most muscular what-look-to-be-hand-hewn beams are exposed in the The Iron Horse Hotel (500 W. Florida St.) lobby/Branded bathroom.

For additional standouts, the old shoe bathrooms upstairs in the venerable Wisconsin Club (900 W. Wisconsin Ave.), former mansion home of Alexander Mitchell — Milwaukee’s own laird ­— are reminiscent of PBS’ "Downtown Abbey."

The city’s highest bathroom, one with its own jazz club, is outside The Pfister Hotel’s top floor lounge, Blu (424 E. Wisconsin Ave.).

Watch out for the trick men’s room door in the Safe House (779 N. Front St.), which opens to a brick wall. In the adjacent Newsroom Pub (137 E. Wells St.), home of the Milwaukee Press Club, guess who gets to use the room marked "Clark Kent".... or the one for "Lois Lane?"

A bit further afield, when whizzing along the highway and there’s the need to stop, check out the neat Frank Lloyd Wright-style rest stop about 20 miles north of Madison on I-90 or the one-holer on Highway 18 just west of Fenimore with its fabulous view overlooking the state’s driftless region. For still more, the "Great Wall of China" and showrooms at the Kohler Design Center in Kohler make for bathroom envy.

Of course, the men’s rooms at General Mitchell International Airport’s main terminal are perfect for a pre-flight rush in and run out.

Regardless of where, just be sure to wash hands upon departure.