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Every
year we pause to celebrate the most dubious fashion
trends of the year. And in honor of the flightless bird
that is so popular this season, we dubbed these items
"turkeys" — because they would be best if
shot and carved up.
In the
past, honors have gone to psychophrenic boots with
straps, buckles, studs, snaps, zips and a high heel so
disturbing they should come with a stripper pole, denim
the color of sunshine that should be reserved only for
small children or circus clowns and men's watches that
include enough large and ridiculous bells and trifles to
make Inspector Gadget feel inadequate.
So before
our hearts fill with all that mirth and good cheer,
let's take a snarky breath and let out some ill-will
steam.
This
year, we're also including interior design and decor
items that deserve some healthy ridicule as well.
And just
to prove that we do like some things, we've decided to
include a few "swans" to balance out our
fashion fowls.
We call
them "swans" because these majestic and
graceful creatures inspire awe, and although they look
delicate, these ferocious creatures will peck the heck
out of any detractors. Sometimes you have to be willing
to kick some butt to climb to the top of the style food
chain.
THE
TURKEYS OF FASHION
1. The
Woolly Mammoth vests
—These
made-only-for-
Hollywood
starlet accessories come in a wide variety of fabric
labels including lamb-fur, wool, alpaca, acrylic, mohair
and possibly wet poodle, but the look is equally
unappealing in every form. When did cavewoman come back
as a viable fashion era? I don't care if it's the
$1,650
lamb version from 3.1
Phillip Lim
or the
$89
shaggy sweater vest at Lane Bryant, it's just a bad idea
to drape something around your body that looks like it's
been clubbed to death and laundered on rocks.
2.
Pocahontas headbands/gypsy
—I've
tried to like them, and occasionally, I see one and I
genuinely think, "cute," but then I see
something horrid dangling from someone's temple and the
turkey-worthy status is renewed. Just like those
"no right on red signs," this is a cautionary
turkey. It's not always a bad idea, but we're out to
improve public safety. Wear your headband like a normal
person or not at all.
3.
Snuggie
—The
blanket with sleeves must die. Has no one ever heard of
a sweater? Those attractive things you pull over your
head that you aren't ashamed of wearing in public. Who
are these people who keep their homes so cold that they
fear frost bite if a hand slips out from under a
sensible blanket. I know, you love the ugly ... I mean
Snuggie; you bought one for your
mom/husband/brother/college student, and they just loved
it. Well, we hate to tell you this, but comfort is no
excuse for looking like a total dork. Buy them a nice
cozy sweater or even a utilitarian zip-up fleece,
they'll stay warm, and we won't be annoyed. And maybe
one day we'll put an end to those Snuggie commercials
displaying morons who lose all mental and physical
dexterity when confronted with a sleeveless blanket. Is
this really how we want future generations to perceive
us?
4.
Overachieving black-tie flats
—
Stuart Weitzman Holiday
has an "all that glitters" holiday option that
is surely not golden. The ornate ballet flats with
sparkle, fringe and a bow are a valiant effort to dress
up low heels, but they seem to scream
I'm-trying-way-too-hard. That's never sexy. Personally,
I love the dressed up ballet flats that are floating
around this holiday season, but choose your embellished
footwear carefully. If it looks like a kindergarten
craft project gone awry, just say no. If you think they
are overboard then you're probably right. There's a
certain quirkiness that you can get away with when
you're opting for low heels and cocktail attire, but if
your shoes look like something Dorothy wouldn't be
caught dead in, well, enough said.
5. Liquid
black patent-leather, rubber or spandex tights
—These
belong on a concert stage not walking the aisle at
Wal-Mart
. They look great in a fashion spread, but not so great
in real life. They must fit perfectly, which is to say
that you really shouldn't be able to take deep breaths
while wearing them. Baggy tights are a heinous oxymoron.
And it's especially unfortunate when you want your legs
to look like they've been dipped in black gold (and we'd
like to include the metallic gold and silver tights in
this category, too). Just like most turkeys, this look
can work on some people, sometimes, but it's like
Russian roulette, you don't want to take that chance.
———
THE SWANS
OF FASHION
1. Mixed,
multichain necklaces
—They
are so wrong that they are just right. I love the
mash-up of pearls, gold and silver, mesh and metal
beads. It's a great way to make a statement and it's
easy to replicate an expensive look with some
inexpensive items you already own. The look is sloppy
and a little defiant, but it holds your attention. Like
a clever sculptural element around your neck. And what a
way glam up the little black dress.
2.
Infinity scarf
—These
cold-weather accessories cropped up last year but have
taken root. Instead of having ends, the scarves are
constructed as a circle, sometimes up to 6 feet in
circumference. You can wear it in one long loop like a
necklace, doubled in tiers or even quadrupled into a
snug neck cuff. With the ubiquity of scarves, it's nice
to see options.
3. The
boyfriend blazer
—Blazers
have never gone out of style, but we're glad to see this
'80s look come back with a vengeance (we are not so
happy with the neon and the huge shoulders, but you
can't have everything). This look is a great relaxed way
to dress up a casual look. Jeans and T-shirt become
instantly more serious and interesting. We're especially
big fans of the jackets with ruched sleeves or
contrast-colored fabric under the cuffs.
4. Color
block tights
—You
can't have enough tights. We've tried. Our favorites are
an homage to the uber-expensive
Chanel
tights from last year that were all white in front and
all black in back. Now,
Nordstrom
has a pair by DKNY for
$20
, and it comes in a merlot and black shade that's much
more wearable. There's something about legwear that just
makes people excited. You can get away with so much more
than with pants. Patterned pants often run the risk of
looking old and dated, but patterned tights almost
always look interesting and fresh. Remember, the bolder
the tights, the simpler the outfit.
5. Nerd
glasses
—Rimless
is out, thick is in. Whether you wear glasses for fun or
function, we are loving the "nerd" looks a la
Poindexter. Not everyone can do harsh black eyeglasses,
but there are plenty of tortoise-shell, deep cherry,
moss greens and even bone colors to choose from. If you
haven't updated your eye wardrobe in a while, try it.
And for those of you who are religious about contact
lenses, consider a stylish pair of frames to mix it up a
bit. You'll like the reaction.
Almost
swans: equestrian-inspired boots, fedoras, colorful
plaid dress shirts for your suit and the fitted gray
'60s-era suit.
———
TURKEYS
IN THE HOME
1.
Cliched ethnic decor
—I
blame that feel-good, Oscar-stealing movie "Slumdog
Millionaire." It inspired an entire home decor line
I call "cringe worthy Bollywood." Why must
Indian-inspired home accessories always involve too many
glittery sequins and garish color combinations? Too
often, this look is done in just one hue: Tacky. When
mass-produced and overdone, South Asian decor loses its
grace. It can be done right, however, by incorporating a
single striking element or a single vibrant color in an
otherwise neutral area. Themes are best reserved for
birthday parties — not living spaces.
2.
Outdoor wicker furniture with discolored pillows
—If it
creaks when you sit on it or pokes or scratches when you
recline, it is not friendly furniture. If it is
splintered, cracked or flaking paint, it needs TLC to
restore it or a merciful euthanization. Given the
incredible array and brilliant design in new outdoor
furnishing, there is no excuse to hang on to outdated,
raggedy white wicker. Faded, weather-beaten cushions can
make even the best quality pieces look haggard. Replace
worn cushions immediately.
3. The
primary color futon with chrome or steel frame
—This
barely qualifies as furniture and only belongs in a dorm
room. They are uncomfortable, inelegant and unflattering
to almost any other piece in the room. There are other
acceptable options for cheap seating and co-sleeping.
For overnight guests, a quality inflatable mattress and
decent bedding is kinder.
4. Blue
and chocolate brown
—Why
are we not over this color combination yet? I'll admit,
I was a fan of pairing the robin's egg blue with dark
brown, but it's been ubiquitous for years. It's time to
move on.
5.
Overaccessorizing
—Clutter.
Have you ever walked into a home and felt dizzy by the
array of tchotchkes on display? If you have five things
on a shelf, put four away. Rotate or replace existing
pieces if you must, but remember: Less is more.
———
SWANS IN
THE HOME
1.
Driftwood tables
—These
nature-inspired tables offer a rough, unfinished
aesthetic that pairs well with the coolness of tempered
glass. Unstylized and fresh, they bring a bit of the
warmth of outdoors inside.
2.
Streamlined sofas
—Forget
fussy, overstuffed sofas. Ditch mix-matched patterns and
fabrics. Think sleek, comfortable and clean lines. A
streamlined sofa is as utilitarian as it is timeless.
These sofas do not command the stage. They provide the
structure and framework for a well-designed room.
3. Curvy
chairs
—Curves
give a chair sex appeal. The perfect chair for lounging
should be intimate even for one, sensual for two. It
embraces you with its curves.
4. The
Unpretentious bed
—Simplicity
in a bed is what creates an oasis, a retreat from the
energy in the rest of the home. Fussy beds with columns,
pillars, ornate details and chunky appendages weigh down
the entire space. Consider the most inviting place for a
siesta, peaceful slumber or intimacy. The setting should
not upstage the plot.
5.
Monochromatic color
—Tone-on-tone
shades of the same color within a single room or among
various pieces of furniture create an easy gracefulness
in a space. Ditch the competing colors. Try variations
of the same color with different intensities. It creates
the illusion of depth and the tonal colors offer
harmony.
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