DETROIT
— At 16 years old, Sarah Barden was using OxyContin,
cocaine, Ecstasy, heroin, marijuana and still going to Walled
Lake Central High School. She lied, stole, cheated and tried
to manipulate everybody, but mostly her parents.
"My
daughter convinced me that she didn’t have a problem,"
said Jeannie Barden, Sarah’s mother. "By the time I
thought something was going on, I was already late. When I
thought she was drinking and smoking pot, she was already
doing cocaine and popping pills."
Dealing
with her daughter’s addiction was like "going through
hell," Barden said. But with help, Sarah is now in
recovery. She was treated at Henry Ford Maplegrove Center in
West Bloomfield, Mich., and has been clean for three years.
Barden,
55, of West Bloomfield is now trying to help others avoid the
same mistakes that she made in missing the signs of addiction
in her daughter. She volunteers at Maplegrove, sharing her
story and offering tips to parents with children who have
substance-abuse problems — at a time when the number of
young people using drugs is on the rise, according to the 2010
National Survey on Drug Use and Health.
Marijuana
use among teens rose in 2011 for the fourth straight year and
daily marijuana use is now at a 30-year peak level among high
school seniors, according to the 2011 Monitoring the Future
report released Wednesday. In 2011, 50 percent of high school
seniors reported having tried an illicit drug at some time,
the report stated, and 40 percent used one or more drugs in
the past 12 months.
Few are
getting treatment. More than 23 million Americans ages 12 and
older needed some sort of treatment for drug or alcohol use
problems, according to the national survey. But only 2.6
million people received treatment. Most didn’t
get help because they didn’t think they needed it. Barden
offers tips for parents, saying these are the things she
wished she had known when her daughter was younger:
—Get
your child tested as soon as you suspect a problem.
Sarah
started drinking and smoking marijuana in middle school. She
moved on to prescription pills, which is typical. According to
the study, marijuana is the most prevalent illicit drug used
by young people, followed by nonmedical use of prescription
drugs.
"The
minute you have a suspicion, go immediately and seek help and
get a drug testing kit," Barden said.
—The
kids who do drugs might surprise you.
Sarah
used to buy drugs at an abandoned house in Detroit.
"One
thing that was strange was going there and seeing half of your
high school class in a dope house," Sarah said.
"That was weird. People you would never imagine seeing in
a crack house. You go downtown and it’s like a party from
high school. None of us were friends. We just knew of each
other from high school. There were popular kids. The jock
kids. From any social clique there was. It was the kids you
would never expect to see there."
—Get
counseling to learn how to deal with an addicted child.
"By
the time the problem gets drastic, you are insane
yourself," Barden said. "They need help, but you
also need help. We can’t fix it until we get help. The thing
I realized was, the more I got help, the more I could help
her."
In metro
Detroit, there are free, weekly Families Anonymous meetings
held at several locations to help parents in situations such
as this.
—You
are not alone.
"I
think some parents are afraid or ashamed of going to these
meetings because they think nobody is like them," Barden
said. "Most of the time, you don’t tell anybody. You
are ashamed. You are embarrassed."
—Pick
the right moment for conversations.
"Never
talk to them or accuse them when they are stoned," Barden
said. "They only get crazy. I remember one night, I
picked her up and she was blatantly stoned. We drove straight
to Meijer and picked up a drug test. Of course, she went crazy
when we went home. The next time it happened, I waited until
the next morning. Little by little, you learn different
things."
For the
longest time, no matter what Barden did, Sarah’s addiction
kept getting worse.
Barden
took her daughter to therapy three times, but each time it
failed.
"I
drove her to meetings," Barden said. "She saw two
therapists at one point. I drove her to her urine tests. It
was my whole life, trying to make sure she was doing all the
things she needed to do."
Sarah is
5-foot-5 and normally weighs 125 to 130 pounds. But she
dropped to 90 pounds while using drugs.
She
supported her habit by stealing and using other people’s
drugs. "I would steal from anyone and everyone
else," Sarah said, "but I never stole from my
parents."
—Set
rules and consequences.
Sarah
said her parents had rules but she didn’t face serious
consequences, at least at first.
"I
made it through school only with the help of my mom doing my
school work for me," she said. "She was good at
keeping my life together for me, until she realized that was
keeping me sick."
Sarah
actually liked some of her mother’s punishments. "When
I would fail a drug test, I’d be grounded for two weeks and
during those two weeks, my mom and I would go shopping,"
Sarah said. "We’d go out to eat. It was like a good
break from my crazy lifestyle. I got to chill out, hang out
with my mom and go shopping. What’s bad about that?"
Robin
Walsh, a therapist at Maplegrove, said this is a common
problem. Many parents do not set limits or boundaries.
"In order for the client to get better, the whole family
needs to get better," Walsh said. "Parents have
denial and want to believe their child."
One
thing that Barden learned at Maplegrove was to put rules in
writing.
"If
you have a child and you know they have a problem, you have to
have what we call a family contract," Walsh said.
"There are specific rules and guidelines to follow in the
house. If you have it in writing, it holds the parent
accountable as well as the child."
If a
child breaks the contract, it is important for a parent to
take away privileges.
"There
are some basic things that we are expected to provide for our
child: shelter, clothes and get them to school," Walsh
said. "Anything else is a privilege — a car, cell
phone. Take it away. Hit them where it hurts."
—As
hard as it is, you have to stick to the consequences.
Emboldened
with courage and advice she learned at parent meetings, Barden
kicked her daughter out of the house after she broke some of
the house rules. Barden held firm and wouldn’t let her
return.
This was
a monumental change for Barden, who had always let Sarah come
back.
"The
last time that I left, I knew she meant it," Sarah said.
"I knew I couldn’t just come back. I went out expecting
to die or hoping to die."
Sarah
hit rock bottom.
"It
was the first time that I felt nothing and didn’t
care," Sarah said. "I knew my mom meant business. It
sucked. She actually did what the people in those programs
told her to do. And I hated that. My mother had started to
change. She stopped falling for my crap.
"She
finally kept her word."
Sarah
said she called her mother "nonstop" for three days.
"And she wouldn’t pick up the phone. She wouldn’t
show sympathy. Before, I could play her however I wanted. I
could come back whenever I wanted. But she wanted nothing to
do with me anymore. It didn’t take long for me to do
something about it. I didn’t have the comfy cushion to fall
back on anymore."
Sarah
entered treatment, this time wanting help and turned her life
around.
—It’s
never over.
Now 21
and clean for three years, Sarah continues to attend support
groups, preferring Alcoholics Anonymous.
Jeannie
attends Families Anonymous and she keeps a close eye on her
daughter.
"If
her attitude changes, I’ll ask her if she’s been to a
meeting," Barden said. "It tells her, ‘Oh, you are
not sounding right to me.’"
Sarah
wants to go to college and start a career. "I want to do
something with a nonprofit, helping other people who are in
situations that I faced," she said.
"I’ve
completely changed. I was a liar, a thief. I was mean back
then to everyone. Now, if I tell a lie, I have to admit it
right away because I feel guilty. I have a conscience. Back
then, I didn’t realize how much I was hurting other
people."
And now,
Sarah is urging parents to help their children.
"The
best advice I could give parents is let your kids face
consequences," she said. "Don’t try to cover it
up. You don’t have to be embarrassed about what your kid is
going through."
(EDITORS:
STORY CAN END HERE)
———
SPOTTING
ADDICTION
The
symptoms of drug abuse and addiction vary depending on the
person and the type of drugs being abused. Look for these
warning signs of drug use:
Physical
changes
Difficulty
sitting still
Excessive
sweating
Inability
to sleep
Changes
in appetite
Drowsiness
and slurred speech
Chronic
cough or worsening of asthmatic conditions, such as wheezing,
chest tightness and trouble breathing
Runny
nose, chronic nasal/sinus problems
Behavior
changes, including overall attitude or personality change with
no other identifiable cause
Change
in personal grooming habits
Excessive
need for privacy
Change
in friends, hobbies or activities
Difficulty
in paying attention or forgetfulness
Drop in
school grades or work performance
Chronic
dishonesty
An
unexplained need for money
Source:
The National Institutes of Health
———
WHERE TO
FIND HELP
National
Drug Information and Treatment Referral Hotline: 800-662-4357
Alcohol
Abuse and Crisis Intervention: 800-234-0246
Alcohol
Hotline Support and Information: 800-331-2900
National
Clearinghouse for Alcohol & Drug Information (NCADI):
800-729-6686
Families
Anonymous: For details, go to
