I promised Tom and other readers that I would answer their questions about vitamin supplements this week . . . April Fool's! This week is my annual corny food joke column. Get it? Corn-y food? Anyway. Thanks to various contributors and Web sites, here are this year's groaners:

-Two peanuts were walking down the road and one was a salted!

-A man goes to see his dentist because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Wow! That plate I installed in your mouth six months ago is almost completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"

"Well . . ." the man said, "my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it . . . Hollandaise sauce she called it . . . and doc, I'm talkin' delicious! Ever since then I've been putting it on everything . . . meat, fish, toast, vegetables . . . you name it!"

"That's probably it," replied the dentist. "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. I'll have to install a new plate in your mouth, but made out of chrome this time."

"Chrome?" the man asked. "Why chrome?"

"Sir, everyone knows . . . there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

-Knock, knock. Who's there? Lettuce . . . Lettuce who? Lettuce in and we'll tell you!

-Moments before a famous Shakespearean actor was to perform "Hamlet" to a packed house in New York, he dropped dead. The house manager solemnly went onstage and announced, "We are sorry to bring you this news, but our performance tonight has been canceled due to the untimely demise of our featured performer."

From the back of the theater a voice cried out, "Give him some chicken soup!"

Startled, the stage manager cleared his throat and replied, "I apologize if in my grief I have not made my solemn message clear. The man is deceased."

Once again, but more emphatically the voice rang out, "Give him some chicken soup!"

Having had about enough, the manager bellowed back, "Sir, the man is dead. Giving him chicken soup couldn't possibly help."

To which the voice replied, "It couldn't hurt!"

-A man got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

-And finally . . . Ontha Cobb was crowned Corn County's new Queen last week. A member of a local family, Ontha is the daughter of a retired kernel. Those who watched the competition say she creamed the other contestants. Cobb, a rather husky girl, wore a yellow silk dress and all the judges, including celebrities Pop and Caramel Corn, agreed she was very sweet. When presented with a big bushel of flowers, Cobb just smiled and said, "Shucks."

Asked how it felt to be canned by the winner, the first runner-up gave a frozen smile and replied, "I wish I had been picked." Cobb says she is proud of her roots and plans to stalk out a career in her chosen field.

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(Got questions? Send them to me at bquinn@chomp.org. I will answer as many as possible in this column during National Nutrition Month. Barbara Quinn is a registered dietitian and certified diabetes educator at the Community Hospital of the Monterey Peninsula.)