It's just a cat.

But not when it's your cat.

Grieving over the loss of a companion animal is a very real process, one often made worse by the platitudes - not to mention sheer insensitivity - of those who cannot relate.

KNOW YOU'RE NOT ALONE

"It's quite common - we get at least half a dozen calls a week," says Joan Stoppa, the learning center manager at Bideawee in Wantagh, N.Y., who oversees its bereavement program. And feelings of loss are not limited to cats and dogs. "Love is love," she reminds.

GUILT IS NORMAL

And it comes from a variety of sources. "I have heard more than one person say, 'I cried more over losing my pet than I did when my mother died' - it's very common to hear," Stoppa notes. "I think that's because animals are such a constant in our lives. They're with us all the time."

Another guilt-inducer is second-guessing. "Sometimes people say, 'Maybe if I would have done this. ... Maybe I should have gone that extra step and tried that surgery. ... Did I make right choice?'" Stoppa says. Conversely, owners anguish if they didn't euthanize their dog, wondering if they let him suffer and prolonged the inevitable.

BE HONEST WITH KIDS

Just as much as adults, children struggle with loss.

First, don't lie. "Don't tell them, 'Oh, he's sleeping,'" Stoppa says. "Then they're going to afraid anytime someone goes to sleep."

If you are struggling to find just the right words, invest in a book. Among Stoppa's recommendations for kids: "When a Pet Dies" by that famous televised shoe-tosser, Fred Rogers; the beautifully illustrated "Dog Heaven" and "Cat Heaven," both by Cynthia Rylant; and "The Tenth Good Thing About Barney" by Judith Viorst.

Encourage activities that let children express their feelings: Have them draw pictures of the animal, or write a poem about things they liked to do together. Children can also collect photographs and make a collage - not a bad idea for adults, either.

SAY GOODBYE

Plan some kind of farewell and recognition. "Not everyone can afford a plot in a pet cemetery, or believes in it," Stoppa says. "But you don't measure love in terms of dollars. It doesn't mean that my dog who is buried under the dogwood tree with a handwritten name on a rock is any less loved."

You can also memorialize your animal by planting a tree or creating a garden in his honor.

SPREAD THE LOVE

"You can donate items that can still be used by other animals to a shelter in honor of your pet," Stoppa suggests. "Share that love that you have for animals - don't lock it up in your heart." Among the items needed: food, toys and blankets.

FIND A LOCAL SUPPORT GROUP; CALL A HOTLINE

Many veterinary colleges offer phone support, including the University of Illinois (877-394-CARE), Cornell (607-253-3932), Ohio State (614- 292-1823) and the University of California (916-752-4200).

Other pet-bereavement hotlines include the Animal Medical Center (212-838-8100), the Pet Grief Support Helpline (602-995-5885, calls are returned collect) and The Grief Recovery Institute (888-773-2683).

Get online support The Animal Love & Loss Network (alln.org) offers a comprehensive list of links as well as a weekly chat and message board.