| A
houseboat sit son the Mississippi River at sunset. |
 |
ON
THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER BETWEEN ALMA, WIS., AND MINNEISKA,
MINN. — They say anyone can drive a houseboat on the
mighty Mississippi, and they’re mostly right.
But
when you gather a handful of the people dearest to your
heart and rent a houseboat for a weekend in thick, leafy
Midwestern bluff country, a certain daunting comes with
all that floating domesticity: so much to remember, so
much to do, so very much house on that boat. Anyone can do
this? It’s everyone’s first question for a reason.
But
the answer is yes, once you accept that operating a
55-foot houseboat on the Mississippi is simply like
maintaining an apartment crossed with operating a large
vehicle crossed with avoiding 3-million-pound barges.
See?
No sweat.
Of
the handful of companies offering houseboat rentals on the
upper Mississippi, we opted for Fun ‘N the Sun, just
south of Alma, Wis., and arrived there on a Friday night.
We loaded three nights of stuff — suitcases and coolers,
mostly — onto our floating home, nodding happily at its
comforts: electricity, running water, a microwave, a
refrigerator, a gas grill on the bow and enough beds to
sleep eight. We spent that first night tied to the dock,
gladly watching a summer lightning show as dusk fell.
The
next morning, a dreadlocked, tattooed 32-year-old named
Matt showed up. He is a local guy who is, by his own
account, something of a legend in the bluff country
houseboating community. We flipped through the binder of
instructions, flipped through another binder full of maps,
and Matt turned the key. Our living space began gliding
across the glassy Mississippi, and in those first moments,
there was a shred of surreal joy: Our hotel room would go
wherever we chose to take it.
Matt
spent 90 minutes with us, discussing every conceivable
detail: starting, stopping, avoiding barges, avoiding
submerged rocks, passing through locks and dams, operating
the CB radio and the all-important how to beach the boat
at night so we wouldn’t be swept into the river as we
slept.
Plenty
of people don’t want to remember those things. They just
want to be on a houseboat, beached, with coolers full of
beer. Fun ‘N the Sun will do that, steering those people
to one of the popular Mississippi River party beaches
(accessible only by boat), then come back a few days later
to return them to shore.
"Bachelor
parties are good for that," Matt said.
Others,
it turns out, just can’t handle driving the boat. Last
summer Matt had to take the keys away from a lawyer who
couldn’t get his head around how to steer the behemoth.
"He
was just so scared of the unknown," Matt said.
In a
sense, that turned out to be the key to houseboating: Don’t
be paralyzed by the unknown. It’s a big world out there,
and the Mississippi is almost just as big. Don’t be
scared. The boat goes forward and the boat goes backward,
and it is your home: your bedroom, your living room, your
kitchen and, best of all, your pool.
Confident
that I knew what I was doing — probably more than I was
— Matt called a boat to pick him up. Just like that he
was gone, leaving us four as the proud, underqualified
renters of a houseboat. We had nowhere to be and nowhere
in mind that we wanted to be. We were already there. So we
shrugged and I steered the boat north, careful to stay
between the red and green buoys lining the channel. Leave
the channel and the houseboat could meet a few rocks.
We
puttered along at about 5 mph, settling quickly into the
simple joy of houseboating on the Mississippi; it’s
difficult to miss when every window and sliding door is
open and a clean summer breeze blasts through.
I
decided that I wanted to see Lake Pepin, a portion of the
Mississippi about 20 miles north that is so wide they call
it a lake. It involved passing through a lock at a dam —
one of the more technical maneuvers we would have to
execute all weekend — near the picturesque little town
of Alma. I reached overhead for the white radio and
probably should have said something like, "Lock Four,
this is pleasure craft. Do you copy? Over."
Instead,
I said, "Uh — Lock Four? Hello?"
"Lock
Four, over," came the reply.
"This
is a pleasure craft wanting to pass through. Is that, uh,
possible?"
Pause.
"Over!"
I said.
That
would be no problem, she said. We slowed to a crawl
alongside Alma and waited for the lumbering gates to open.
We pulled alongside a wall, where the lock operator tossed
down a couple of ropes so we could steady the boat as
water poured into the lock. Ten minutes later, the other
side opened and we puttered out.
Up
the Mississippi we went. I gave my father a couple turns
at the wheel, and comfortable now, we listened to music,
some easy, breezy stuff fit for the river. We cut through
the bluffs, craggy and green and rolling.
Lake
Pepin was so wide and empty that I could cut the engine
and ignore the wheel. I threw on my bathing suit and
launched myself into the brown Mississippi. It was warm,
then cold, then warm, then cold. I swam around the boat,
getting pushed where the current wanted me. After a couple
of trips down the water slide, we fired up the engine
again to head back south.
When
the sun started to dip, we found ourselves a slice of
beach on the Minnesota side of the river and set the
weighty metal anchors into the sand just as Matt had shown
us. We threw steaks and veggies on the grill and cracked
beers.
On
our second day we headed south, back through Lock Four,
and this time, I called out my intentions like a pro. I
was even called captain over the radio. I had arrived.
While
my passengers were happy to sun themselves, read and watch
the sights, I was happiest driving the boat. Music
playing, a soft drink at my side, it was a slow, rhythmic
joy, the green bluffs slowly dragging by. We spent the
whole day like that.
That
second night we beached in a bend in the river that
allowed a long view toward watery infinity to the south.
We got our anchors out and squared away just in time for
the storm. Wind kicking up, river turning angular and
wavy, the current picked up and clearly wanted to take the
boat with it. But our anchors dug into the sand, keeping
us just as steady as they should.
Secure,
we turned our attention to a thick rain drumming the river
just outside our back door. Half an hour later it was
gone, replaced by a rainbow to the south, an orange
sherbet sky to the north and miles of placid Mississippi
in between.
———
IF
YOU GO:
Fun
‘N the Sun (S2221 Highway 35, Alma, Wis.; 888-343-5670;
funsun.com) rents houseboats on the upper Mississippi
River between mid-May and mid-October. It has 13 boats of
various sizes that sleep two to 14 people. Costs range
from $600 to $3,395 for three nights based on size of boat
and time of the year. All boats are equipped with
electricity, water, a full kitchen, a gas grill, air
conditioning and heat.
Other
options include S&S Houseboat Rental in Lansing, Iowa
(800-728-0131; ssboatrentals.com), Mississippi River
Rentals in La Crosse, Wis. (608-317-7990;
mississippiriverrentals.com) and Huck’s Houseboat
Vacations (920-625-3142; hucks.com), also in La Crosse.